fuck it all

Mar. 4th, 2009 07:57 pm
Seriously, I wish I would figure out what to do already.

My work doesn't allow me to do stuff I want to do because instead of doing something I spend time convincing myself to work and doing shit that'll "only take 5 mins, tops!" in such numbers that it takes all my time.

I either need to set a time limit for this feeling or just admit that I'm bailing out. Even though I don't know what I want to do yet.
Okay, it was really stupid of me to think that I didn't care. But it only took me two words to turn off the festive mood. By the time I got to the bathroom, I was already puffy-eyed, and I don't even remember how I got into shower or how much time I've spent on a shower floor.

I'm not even in mood to watch Countdown. And somehow I really dislike Nishikido right now.
I've never been consistent with my hobbies. I jump from one to another pretty often - usually less than year. That includes any visual and audial entertainments, although book-related stuff gets other treatment. Most recent was manga - almost 7 years of being hooked on various picture-stories. Before that was historical books, SF, criminal fiction... But music, video - they rarely last.
Thats why I'm not exactly surprised to feel that I don't want to follow JE the way I was, say, last year. But for the first time this happens not because of the loss of interest, but because of internal movements of the object of my hobby. Never before I was this hurt by management's decisions.

I only have to wonder what fans with longer history feel: do they leave when their idols leave? do they keep stalking their usual hideouts? do they move to others? do they keep stalking, period? Right now I feel like a balloon with a hole: I move on the outside, but I'm mostly waiting for Countdown to decide on the next course of the action.

And the boys themselves. They ask their fans to lend them their strength and passion, but sometimes this passion is not enough. How do they do it, how do they continue working when everything changes in the blink of an eye, when unit is swallowed by the group, leaving wounded behind?

I can't bring myself to hate HSJ, but there is no way I would support them in any way, despite me liking almost everyone there before the group was formed. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at Yabu and Hikaru, calm and collected, contrasting with the crowd of unprofessional-looking youngsters, and not see lonely Shoon back dancing for his kohai and looking to the left, where Taiyou used to be.

Year 2007, November, 30. Good luck, Taiyou, and may life be generous to you.


Nov. 16th, 2007 12:02 am
Sometimes, when I watch fanvids or look at old pictures I just can't help myself: I cry. Sometimes silently, sometimes I need a pillow to cry into, to stifle my wails.
I look at eight boys doing silly stuff together and it scares, scares me to no end to think that this might never happen. So many unpleasant possibilities, but one that scares me the most is not that he might not come back, but one that if he will come back he'll have troubles adjusting to all changes.
Not minor stuff like song lines, positions, correct responses to jokes, but major stuff like relationships. Right now he's probably much more independent than he was even then, Subaru's not used to him like he was then, Hina might have problems cutting him off, he's not used to wearing colorful stuff, he never wore shorts in PV, he's not owarai they were turned into.
It scares me to think that during those years he could've realised that he doesn't belong on this stage, that he doesn't want to do all those things for fame, for money, for whatever else he could get in return. That friendship, their support might not be enough to carry on with stupid jokes, to come in terms with inability to walk the street with a girl, to need to work for months with no days off simply because fame is fleeting.
So when I say 頑張って, when I say 戻って来て, I actually think "Please, please be willing, please be ready to come back, please don't be disappointed, please be glad to work for selfish us".
But what I say is 早く帰ってくれ、待ってるから. ずっと待ってるから.



March 2016



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