Okay, it was really stupid of me to think that I didn't care. But it only took me two words to turn off the festive mood. By the time I got to the bathroom, I was already puffy-eyed, and I don't even remember how I got into shower or how much time I've spent on a shower floor.

I'm not even in mood to watch Countdown. And somehow I really dislike Nishikido right now.

Mugendai

Nov. 16th, 2007 12:02 am
Sometimes, when I watch fanvids or look at old pictures I just can't help myself: I cry. Sometimes silently, sometimes I need a pillow to cry into, to stifle my wails.
I look at eight boys doing silly stuff together and it scares, scares me to no end to think that this might never happen. So many unpleasant possibilities, but one that scares me the most is not that he might not come back, but one that if he will come back he'll have troubles adjusting to all changes.
Not minor stuff like song lines, positions, correct responses to jokes, but major stuff like relationships. Right now he's probably much more independent than he was even then, Subaru's not used to him like he was then, Hina might have problems cutting him off, he's not used to wearing colorful stuff, he never wore shorts in PV, he's not owarai they were turned into.
It scares me to think that during those years he could've realised that he doesn't belong on this stage, that he doesn't want to do all those things for fame, for money, for whatever else he could get in return. That friendship, their support might not be enough to carry on with stupid jokes, to come in terms with inability to walk the street with a girl, to need to work for months with no days off simply because fame is fleeting.
So when I say 頑張って, when I say 戻って来て, I actually think "Please, please be willing, please be ready to come back, please don't be disappointed, please be glad to work for selfish us".
But what I say is 早く帰ってくれ、待ってるから. ずっと待ってるから.

Okaeri

Jul. 11th, 2007 11:07 am
I'm weird.
Can't stand reading news. Every mention makes me tired. A burst of activity on BBS made me cry.
I just can't.

I'm sorry.

Something.

Jun. 22nd, 2007 01:53 am
oh man, am I allowed to hug monitor?
Really, I couldn't tell if the pic was new or old. Baby, why did you chose that shirt? Were you trying to say that you haven't changed?
Aw, your face is so round, but you still as thin as you were.
Baby, oh Baby, you still curl your fingers like this...

Johnny-san, can't you make a miracle happen? It could fit so perfectly!
please.

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